Finding my truth as a person with bipolar has been a challenge at times, because I’ve had periods where I’ve doubted my own ability to determine what is “real” or “normal” versus what has been distorted by my overactive mind.
When I was first diagnosed as having bipolar II, it came as a huge relief. At last I had an explanation for what was happening to me. There was a reason for the fears and the anger that were becoming harder and harder for me to maintain control over and keep hidden from my family and co-workers, and the episodes I secretly worried were the prelude to a heart attack were actually panic attacks. There were even drugs I could take that would allow me to sleep at night; quieting a mind that otherwise wouldn’t stop whirling and sometimes even drove me to get up in the middle of the night to wander around or work on a creative project.
Once the diagnosis came and the treatment began, I started to research bipolar illness and what it might mean for me. I was frightened by the fact that one of the characteristics of the illness is that I might be the last one to recognize when I was in the middle of an episode.
To me, that initially meant that my judgment probably wasn’t what it should be (or I thought it was), and I shouldn’t trust my instincts to the extent I do. Those ideas really set me back. My career is one that relies heavily on my professional judgment and ability to correctly analyze and interpret a given set of facts. In my personal life, I have struggled at times with allowing myself to trust my gut about the people I allow myself to get close to. Almost inevitably, when I discount my gut feelings about someone I end-up being sorry, yet somehow I still manage to talk myself out of paying attention to those feelings at times. Now, the bipolar was giving me even more of an reason (or some might say an excuse) to ignore them.
I have made some bad calls in my personal life when I haven't listened to "that little voice inside of me". Before I was married I got involved in some relationships and situations I should have turned around and run from rather than walking towards. In my marriage, I allowed some issues to fester rather than be addressed as quickly as they should have because I was afraid to follow my instincts. When the issues were finally confronted my instincts were correct about the problem, but my fears about the reaction were overblown.
It has taken me time and a great psychotherapist to get to the point where I realize that my judgment is good, and its ok to trust my instincts, though I do go through periods of doubt. I’ve learned to recognize when a hypo-manic episode is coming on primarily by changes in my activity level and creative energy. I am not as good at recognizing the onset of a depressive episode yet, except that I know I can usually expect one after a hypo-manic episode. When I’m in the middle of an episode, I try to remember to stand back and take a deep breath before doing or saying anything.
This is the first post for my new blog, so I don’t know how many people will see it... But, for those of you who do, I would love to hear how you have dealt with trusting yourself while having an illness that by its very nature effects your judgment.
Molly
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